A LETTER TO HEAVEN

Each year on the 25th of April I write a poem. Although I didn't do this until a little boy came into my life and left it abruptly. I use to get so angry and longed for an answer of why. I have learned that those answers will come one day because everything happens for a reason even though we aren't always told right when we want to hear them.My son was having trouble couping with the loss of this truely unique little boy so he wrote a letter to god a while back. It touched me so much that i posted it publicly because he gave me an insight to how a child see's heaven and i thought everyone should be able to see it through his eyes. He believed that he could write a letter to god and while he was sleeping god would take it to heaven. I told him god may not take the letter but he could hear the words because they came from his heart. I some what left my son alone for him to write this letter (i saw bits and pieces when he asked me how to spell words)but i was so curious as to what it said and looked like that i took it from underneath his pillow. After reading it i was so overwhelmed i never put it back. Of course i think not putting it back was the best move because he woke up and checked for that letter and i didn't have the heart to tell him that it was me who took it. I told him a few months later it was me and he shrugged his sholders and said god still heard me because he can hear everything. So with this said i wrote my own poem as a letter to god. If a small child could believe why couldn't I? I've done some thinking because my son and I decided we would write letters each year and his doctors said it was a great idea. So now here is my letter this year.
Dear God,
This year its not a poem. Its much more special than that. I want to thank you god because this year is the first year my little boy didn't cry. He has found healing and no longer hurts thank you for that peace you gave him. He doesn't even need to write you a letter. Thank you for allowing my daughter to speak from her heart and to tell us about heaven through a four year olds heart and eyes, thank you for giving her comfort and letting her know she will see everyone again one day.I know that in heaven there is no suffering so i know you don't allow our loved ones to look down us while we cry however i do know that im never alone.In my darkest hours of despair heartache and sadness, even when i felt as if i couldn't walk you were there and you carried me. Since i know right now im not alone can you deliver a message for me? Please tell Andrew we all love him so much and the love he gave is enough to last our life time. I feel the love he left alone can heal a broken heart. Tell him he would be proud of his daddy, he is going to school and looking ahead into the future even though it is unkown what it holds. Tell him his grandpa is growing gardens and even when the storms weigh in he looks at the bright side and realizes that some of those veggies can be salvaged. There isn't a second that goes by he isn't thought of. Most of all tell him thank you for the memories he left here with us, i will never forget that its possible to eat buttons out of a cell phone, that an army crawl isn't that hard for a soilder, that you can shake your tailfeathers anywhere, that you can have a first kiss before your one years old, it only takes 2 seconds to completely clear off shelves of vcr tapes, and it only takes a smile to make someone realize their life has been changed in the best of ways. Thank you for listening to me.

Now that my letter is finished i feel there is something that needs to be said. If you don't believe in god your entitled to your beliefs, but i too am entitled to mine. I let Andrew's dad know that he could have the letter my son wrote. I sent it to him when he was out of state. He had moved from the area so i asked for the letter back from the caretaker of the mail at that time. The person swears that they never recieved that letter. The letter never came back to me.

Child support..........the twisted truth from someone who see's both sides.

Okay before many start bashing my blog first look with open eyes, next listen with your heart, and then even for those of you who just think I am insane, well I feel you may need to second guess your decisions you have made again this is just my opinion and due to freedom of speech i have the right to tell the world how i feel regardless if you agree with me or not. Soon for those of you who have no idea who I am you will know. At some point in life everyone has stopped to think to themselves and many of us ask ourselves this question "What have I truly done in my life to be proud of?" Sure many have college degree's.......but do you pursue the career and when you get into your office are you happy with the choices you have made, or the people you have had to step on to get there? sure some of you made it to where you are fairly but not many have i can assure you. Many of us only ask these questions when a doctor says that they have found something and it may not be good. Then you think to yourselves "hey i can be opinionated who cares if someone kills me now I am already dying." Well I will tell you now that i am in decent health and if i die for what i believe in, i will not die in vain. With all this said i have a story to tell you. In 2006 I divorced and i had a child in the marriage and entered the world of the court system in Florida. I won't get into the names of the organizations because # 1 it can get me sued and #2 it will defeat the purpose and waste your time. In 2007 I remarried and the man i remarried was also a part of this world. I had shared custody with my ex husband and residency of our child which was decided by my ex husband and myself. The same for my husband he has shared custody and visitation rights with his child. Your thinking awesome both parties get to spend time with their kids....give me time.......Now at first i received my child support directly from my ex-husband which went well until he found someone new who felt she should run the show. My ex then decided the amount he should pay wasn't right even when i printed up the court papers to prove the amount i said was right. Then i would mail the medical bills or try to give him a copy in person and he didn't want them. So eventually my son needed a surgery and when i asked for my ex husbands help which was his legal obligation agreed upon in the courts final hearing i was told pretty much oh well and to take him to court because he had a new family with a fiance and a baby on the way. The first thing you do is get angry because #1 the other parent knew they have a child to take care of before they decided to make another....i was livid. Our son no longer mattered. Not to mention our son has medical problems. So i took my ex husband to court and the court agreed he owed the x amount i had been trying to get him to mutually consent to paying. Next thing you know my child paid for what my ex and i had fought about in court. I called one night to tell my son goodnight and was cursed at (in the presence of our child) by my ex husbands new fiance. I guess her telling me they were engaged was suppose to upset me, it didn't i only cared about my son, what he was feeling hearing what he had heard her say. She started on a violent rampage constantly in front of our son. Our son didn't want to go to his dads anymore for good reason and i was powerless to stop it. He felt he was not allowed to love me. I would find myself exploding out my opinions in the open and sometimes in ear shot of our son. I had to eat my words of course and make it right because i wasn't going to make our son feel he had to choose who he could love to make me feel better. The other side though gave our son hell, he was not allowed to love who he wanted. Then i found our son was given items to eat he did not eat. He would throw up when he came home because his nerves were messed up and being fed food you don't eat for a whole weekend can do that to a child. Our son was suffering because my ex and i were no longer aloud to talk. i say this because when i remarried my ex was welcomed to call everyday and he did multiple times and to tell his son goodnight. When my ex found his new someone i had to call my ex mother in law to speak to our son. Shortly after my ex and I went to court because my ex petitioned the court to lower his child support. At first i was going to fight it tooth and nail because i felt our son would suffer. Instead I told the court yes lower it......the same day i got a call from my ex wanting to give up his rights which never happened. That was the last time myself or our child heard from him by phone and our son never went to have visitation with his father ever again because his father decided to walk away. Our child now holds his own hate and heartache from this and if asked these days about his dad he will tell you his step dad is his dad now. I make excuses for my ex husband so our son will not hate him until one day our son never mentioned him again. Before my first marriage ended i gave birth to a beautiful little girl, my husband and I had already separated and I moved on. To hear him tell it to the world i cheated on him which before it is said that is not true. We did however have problems in our marriage from the beginning practically so it was not a happy marriage and he and I both Knew it. So we separated ways and yes i got over him quickly, I moved on in a day so if I am guilty I am guilty but I had many reasons to move on, many of you will want to know what they are but they are very personal and very bad and i do not feel it would be right to go public with things that are the past and can hurt people emotionally or hurt a families name. In 2006 I had another child with my new companion who I married the next year and had another child with. This is one of those moments though where Karma kicks in. My new husband has an ex wife himself....we won't go into why he and his ex divorced but it wouldn't have any disrespect to him might i add. i got to see what it felt like to be on the other side. Not only did my husband and I take care of our children we have but he had to pay child support which i have no complaints. For a while everything went great. Until one day my husband lost his job. So I have my son from my first marriage i am financially providing for and 2 other children and my husbands child from his marriage to care for. His amount was over $500.00 a month........yeah that is a lot of money and it doesn't take that much to take care of a child when the other parent has a full time job and her biggest complaint is that they didn't have cable which could of fooled us with the satellite dish she had. We had a child with a developmental medical problem, and a baby with a heart problem. Before any one asks why did we have kids when it seems we couldn't take care of the ones we had......well my pregnancy's were during a time we were paying and everything was okay if we could of seen the future well my crystal ball was broken......its too late for what if's so lets just turn those into why bother's. So i know what your asking is........did you call the organizations and talk to them to see if they could work something out with you guys.......of course we did!!!!!!! The said go tell somebody who cares because we do this for the children not the ex spouse or you........even though your wonderful court papers say they are on the behalf of the custodial parent.........ha go figure! Yet they don't work for anyone but the child. Don't get me wrong these kids need to be taken care of. For those Custodial parents that the other parent has decided to walk away and not pay a dime......darn straight they should pay a bigger amount because they aren't doing anything with the child at all.......not seeing the child.......not paying for anything because they just don't want to......im for you........get em......and those are the people who deserve the title dead beat. No i won't add dad or mom to that because it swings both ways. In this state a non custodial parent can lose half of their paycheck and if they are married they lose 45%..........now think of your bills and let me tell you that you have to take care of your house payment, your grocery's, your light bill, your gas bill, ect........with that x amount of money.......maybe if your not living in poverty or middle class you can pay that.......by the way factor in a family of five to support on top of that.....yeah its b/s if you put yourself in their shoes.......for the rest of you who don't agree quit thinking of yourself or leave my blog cause you won't learn anything here......go spend your support on yourself instead of your child cause we are done. Then to top that off.....your paying this money and you see your child come to you in raggedy jeans and shirts 3 times to small........where is the money going??????? The kid eats $500.00 in grocery's WTF???????? But no instead u see your ex roll up in a car decked out with some idiotic saying that only makes sense to them that had to be professionally done which isn't a necessity cause your child doesn't need a pimped up ride that will never belong to them nor can they read let alone spell whatever that car actually says..........seriously no one gets it......Nor does the child need their parent to be all dressed up in designers to look for their new mate at their child's school...these schools might as well have flavor of the month bulletin boards....then those parents who have visitation........where is there child support??????? Cause all seriousness if you have a school age child.....you send that child to the non custodial parent every other weekend.......well if that weekend falls on wednesday's last day of school for the week you have that child until school starts up again........so technically you both have the children half and half...........why should they pay you when they have the child??????? Well thats because when i put my hand upon your hip when i dip you dip we dip.......yeah that song actually was about divorce and child support but most of all your wallet......nah not really but i think so! Or just think of this good ole saying wwgd........what would government do????? They have decided that if you throw money at your problems they eventually go away........well i tell you now my friends they are wrong.........your problem gets greedier and might as well be stalking you and they have help cause they have a organization saying give me all your monies or go to jail.......its like playing monopoly and life.......but from h e double hockey sticks.....its like the government owes china.......u know they keep bailing us out.......well what if they got an organization and we ticked em off one day and they said we want one trillion dollars in sixty days or your going to jail......what are they going to do.......make us pay American support??????? I just hope so.......and when the government calls them to work our a deal i hope they get told we don't represent either party but we are on the behalf of ourselves and we are only here to take your money cha ching!!!!!!!! But wait.......when i was an American there wasn't a American support do i still have to pay it? Wait i didn't ask for you to borrow the money what can i do?????? I hope i hear them say American support.......you should of thought about that before you decided to be born in America.......My point is half of the births in the world are unplanned. Another percentage are teenagers on a hormone trip. Another percentage unfortunately are rape victims. Another percentage are bar hoppers that don't know how to use protection birth control and condoms might i add. Then you have a small percentage that realizes a child will be a big deal and will have demanding needs and they decide long before that child is born all of the what ifs and they have a plan for whatever may come. Some of you are a part of domestic violence and i can't blame you for leaving......but i think bigger measures should be taken when it comes to having babies.......we should control it like we control credit cards......oh wait we don't.......but i don't see those who aren't paying off those debts go to jail.....i see them filing bankruptcy.......Instead what i see is parents going to jail.....losing time with their kids and all those children here is he or she didn't pay so they had to go.......or they did something wrong.....how is it that you did something wrong when you just didn't have the ability to pay? Why is it that many adults who can not pay and are being tracked down by their social security numbers, their ex's along with the opinions that come with them, which many try to destroy what ever life they have left, well those individuals are no longer here with us because they couldn't take the weight of the world or feeling like a failure to their child so they commit suicide......bet you won't bother them now. But what no one thinks about is that child loses a part of them.......over what???????? Money that one day we could be told no longer has any value. The world can come crashing down and then you can call your organization about the money........and they won't be there to answer the phone because money no longer has value.......it does nothing for them.....so who cares about you or your children......what are these battles doing to our kids???????? No one goes to court and comes out friendly.......if so you need to see a shrink or be commended on a job well done.......cause its not a bowl of peaches and no one is happy in the end..... child support should be fair........there should be organizations to help find jobs just for those people......if they don't want to work.......then again i say get em......but for those who are trying.....whether their ex thinks they are or not......as long as they can prove they are doing something......then yes they should be treated decent not like they are being treated now. I think the custodial parent should be showing proof of what is going to the child and what isn't.....because the way its all set up now isn't right......u can spend it on what ever and not prove it. Im proud to say every penny my ex has paid has been spent on our son........but honestly you shouldn't receive support for the months the child is spending with the non custodial parent because you don't have the child.......its as if you have switched roles with that parent and your the one visiting......quit messing up relationships with these kids and their parents....I'm not out to make anyone lose what they should have the right to be refunded but the system we are choosing is flawed badly. I am not racist and i have nothing against china or American's but i had to use something almost anyone can understand......people need to wake up and realize your children are not paychecks or leverage...they grow up and learn from us.......what are we teaching them? I also think the parents that cheated on their spouse and ruined their relationship themselves and wants to change things when they get caught.....well that should be able to be used against them in these hearings if it can be proven. If your not happy with someone leave them.....before you decide to get in bed with someone else...i think it should be harder to get married........their should be tests done to see if you even have a chance by someone licensed to give it.......step parents should be treated with respect because after all this isn't their child but they love it and care for it when technically they don't have to and if they don't well there are laws that can fix that if they are doing harm to the child......if they have opinions about you well get over yourself and they should do the same. No one is happy with the significant other that their ex finds..........its human nature.....but don't bring the kid along for the ride.......lets stop the suicide rates, the dads or moms walking away because they feel they have no other choice, lets actually let the non custodial parents without custody have and use their rights. Kids are getting killed because of these issues more than you would even want to imagine because sick individuals think.......no kid no support.......its sick and messed up........but it has happened.......both parents are important lets make it known.......just cause the baby grows inside you.........it doesn't make it any closer to you........because five years down the road it can become a daddy's little girl or boy.......lets be real...........i know i have offended many.....heck im sure i have offended myself.......but i am not sorry. I will be in the near future taking on the system to do my best to pass a bill.......to stop the unfairness in the child support system.....you can either love me or hate me.......either way i can't say that i care.......i am fighting for what everyone hasn't fought for.......those who deserve to be with their kids but due to everyone's expectations, demands, and unfairness they can't always be the parent they once thought they would be......feel free to comment negative or positive or even what you would like to see happen to support either party, either side. The only way it can be fair is to see it through the eyes of both....and thats what i am here for.
reference: 69 boyz, dip http://www.lyricsbox.com/69-boyz-lyrics-the-dip-f536qjb.html
also you all should know i am aware of the typo's and quotations not being in the right spots this isn't about my grammar so don't waste my time with those remarks. As for controversy..........go for it.......i can't help the way i am suppose to without it.
written by fantasy fairy February 6, 2010 at 1:28 am

Beast at My Door

Today I see within you lays a beast. His name is betrayal and his hunger has become for you to contain. Discontent and lies are written in the whole where you heart once resided. Nothing within or with can last of innocence and jubilation. You have come as a destroyer clothed in garments of friendship and kindness. I am unable to point the finger of blame to you. I invited in your ruin.

You stood at my door seeking refuge from the world. I let you in my home and my heart. I extended my hand to you in kindness. I offered all that was mine to you asking for no recompense. These things which I gave you gladly took.

You accepted my gifts of love and friendship. You consumed my essence each day. You are a parasite to my soul. You ate all I had until I had no more. I lay before you exhausted from your needs. There are so many things for loved ones left undone. Unfulfilled they stay while I give to you more still. You hid your intent behind helplessness and need.

You sought my help and asked for compassion. I gave these to you freely from my heart. I spoke highly of you and placed you at my right hand. You mocked me and spit in my face for all I have done. You spread lies of my nature and deeds. A pit of vipers is where you lay in wait to destroy all I hold dear. I pray for you to flee from me so that my love can again be free.

I have loved you more than you ever deserved. I gave all I had and it was never enough to fill your hunger. You fooled my heart and left me bare. You toyed with my heart tossing it aside for your pleasures. Your friends with hearts of ice have laughed with you at my expense. You come yet once more before your work can be undone.

You have sown hate and bitterness in my heart. You leave me in shambles to attend my own wounds. You cause me to tend to one need while not knowing that the seed you left in my soul has grown. No one is willing to reap your harvest. I leave the same discord on others that you have placed upon me. I see you now for what you truly are. Depart from me betrayer of the heart. My home will no longer be welcome to you.

Legacy and Impact of Loved Ones Departed

Who you are or where you’ve been are meaningless. We are only remembered by those we touch. The day you leave this world people decided who you were. What will be the legacy you leave behind? What is the impact on your relationships?

Relationships with those we meet in life have ranging impact.  The ones that have the most meaning are usually from a close friend or loved one. My experience has been that the heaviest come from those who have moved on from this world. My grandparents molded me into the man I am to this day. It was my grandmother however that left the strongest impact on my life.

I was just turning two years old when I moved in with her. My mother and father were having marital problems. My mother decided that we should move in with her parents. She packed up our belongings and we began the long journey from Delavan, Wisconsin to Ocala, Florida. It was in this new town that I would meet my grandmother and gain the values in life that will always remain.

My grandmother taught me compassion and emotional strength. She was always willing to help others. Even at two in the morning when I was hungry she was there to help. She would go to the kitchen with a smile and make a peanut butter sandwich for me. I’m sure there wasn’t much to talk about with a two year old before the sun rose, but she would entertain my conversations until I was ready to go back to bed. It was her lesson on emotional strength that was the hardest for me to learn.

I had just turned five when my emotions went on a roller coaster. My grandmother who had always been so strong and full of life went into the hospital. She couldn’t breathe let alone move. The doctors said she had emphysema and pneumonia. She was confined to a wheelchair and breathing machines from that point forward. She had gone in and out of several hospitals over the next four years. My grandfather had to work two jobs to help pay for her medical bills. Even with all the new income there still wasn’t enough income to pay for everything she needed. We were under great financial strain in the home, nurses couldn’t be afforded and my grandfather refused to send her to a nursing home.

Nursing homes not being an option developed a new relationship for my grandmother and me. I quickly learned how to take care of her and how to reach emergency services. I could see how it hurt her to watch a little child help her with everyday tasks, but there was no one else there. The day of December 8, 1989 my grandmother was so weak she could not even speak. She signed to me I love you and I said the same. The next morning my grandfather received a phone call. My grandmother had passed away changing my life forever.

The first nine years of my life were a whirlwind. I went from a home with a mother and father in a cold climate to Florida. I met my grandmother who left many happy memories for me. I also learned how important it is to help others even when you don’t want to. My grandmother also taught me how strong I could be even at the young age of five.

I didn’t have much time to live as a child growing up. The loss of my childhood was replaced with valuable lessons that have made me into the man I am today. I believe in the end this was a valuable tradeoff, but I would never wish for another child to endure this. My grandmother left behind the values I hold today. I only hope that I will leave some positive impact on a loved one when I am gone.

~The Fallen Phoenix